Last week on Married With Children...
...Kelly got her own talk show on public-access TV.
Who do you think has the cutest butt?
Mel Gibson.
Lethal Weapon opening tomorrow!
It was a success, and everyone auditioned.
Kelly said she'd think about it.
But she went it alone. And that strategy paid off, because:
A real network wants to put my show on primetime.
- I'm going to Hollywood! - What?
- Hollywood? - Yes! Yes!
And now, Married With Children continues.
I can't believe we're going to Hollywood.
It's a dream come true.
The place where any guy with a cheap chain can call himself a producer...
...to dumb babes getting off the bus from Des Moines.
Dad, your little boy's going home.
I'm sure that Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy and Doc will be glad to have you back.
Now, kids, before we go to the land of broken dreams...
...and cheap bikini love, I want you to be prepared.
Because Hollywood is not like our quaint little hometown of Chicago.
People in Hollywood are always out for the quick buck.
They're nothing but a bunch of brownnosers.
Now, I want you to remember...
...that the only people who really care about you as a person is your family.
Hi, everyone. I hear you're going to Hollywood and I wanted to come by...
...and give you my best wishes. And I don't want anything.
Well, that's nice, but you're blocking the door.
Oh, really? Oh, well, I didn't mean to.
Goodbye.
Oh, but before you go, there's just one thing I wanna say.
I am willing to leave my husband if you will just take me with you.
I will do anything for you.
I will procure for your little brother, I will brush your father's teeth.
Hey, I will even be your bodyguard.
Let me prove myself by killing someone.
Just point to someone you don't like and I'll happily kill him.
- Kiss him goodbye. - Now, Marcie, just a second, here!
Now, why don't you just... out of here.
I mean, we got a plane to catch.
Oh, please, take me with you.
I'm a pregnant banker jet-skiing towards 40, for God's sake!
I was voted Most Likely to Succeed in high school...
...and I have a reunion coming up.
At least let me be able to say that I slept with Chuck Woolery.
Ease by her carefully, kids. They say the mad have strength.
Hey, hey, at least let me be Slut of the Week.
I'm already pregnant!
Take a deep breath, kids, and smell that show biz.
I can't believe we're at the hub of the NBS network.
This is where it all happens.
Did you see the bathroom?
I tell you, I'm still giddy with the thought that just possibly...
...I might have sat on the same toilet seat as Bob Hope.
Yeah, Dad, but I'm sure Bob Hope didn't walk out of the stall...
...with his pants around his ankles proudly singing "That's Entertainment."
You loved it when you were 3.
I can't believe we're actually here. And it's all because of my little girl.
It's times like this that I wish I'd stayed home nights and studied...
...so I could make something of myself, like Bud.
Okay, kids, enough fun.
We don't wanna miss the big picture here.
We are in the loop.
Just look at those walls.
Kids, we can be among the first...
...to see the new, exciting shows on the fall schedule.
Gaze proudly, kids.
Oh, just think.
Someday my picture will be hanging next to such exciting shows as...
"Ellen and Her Dog"?
"Spike Le Bee, New York City School Teacher"?
"Art Allante, PI."
"Black Cop, White Girl."
"Me and the Shiksa"?
"The Homeless Detective."
Oh, come on.
Daddy, do they have to hang my picture here?
- It's Gig! - Gig, can I have your autograph?
Oh, my God. It's Gig Fontaine, star of Tugboat Danger.
Gig, please, please.
I love you. I love you all. But I'll love you first.
I can't believe this.
- Give us a smile, Gig. - Just an autograph, please?
Gig! Gig!
What's that guy got that I don't?
Shall I start above or below the waist?
Daddy, did you see how those people were surrounding him...
...just so he'd sign his name? Do you think that'll happen to me?
Well, probably not until you learn how to spell your name.
Well, I have something to say.
If I become rich and famous...
...I am gonna share it with everyone that I love.
Oh, and you guys too.
Daddy, I am gonna get you a car with door handles and a gas cap.
And a rear-view mirror...
...not just one of Mom's old compacts glued to the window.
- And windshield wipers? - You got it, big guy.
And I'm gonna get Mom what she's always wanted.
Maybe that young guy down the block who paints houses.
And, Bud, get me a Coke, will you?
Hi, I'm Jeff Littlehead. Now...
Which one of you is Kelly Bundy?
That would be I.
Welcome to NBS, where we say quality counts.
We don't believe it, but we say it.
You reek of avocado.
Now, be nice, Bud. They eat vegetables in Hollywood.
And we are a stranger in his land.
Now, there are no strangers here at NBS...
...if you don't mind me kissing a little heinie for a moment.
We're like a big family. That's what we are.
A big, happy family. Living, loving, nurturing and supporting our talent.
Here we never forget your name.
Mr. Littlehead?
- Who are you? - Rock Turboman.
Oh, glad to meet you. I'll have a hamburger.
No, I'm the star of your new series, Young Ben Franklin.
Yes, yes, I know. Well, what can I do for you?
Well, I know the ratings have been low...
...but I'm kind of thinking of buying a new house.
You think I should? We're not being cancelled, are we?
Oh, son, son, damn the ratings. We love the show.
America loves the show. It'll be on forever.
You, you buy that house.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you. - All right. All right, Ben Franklin.
Electricity! Bifocals! Kites!
He's gone. I cancelled him this morning.
You'll have his time slot.
Hey, Dad, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- That he can get both of us chicks? - Yeah.
Well, are you ready to see your set?
Lead on, Mr. Littlething.
Well, it's Littlehead, but, well, you can call me anything.
Just don't call me late to a Dick Chamberlain miniseries.
Oh, Daddy, we're gonna go look at my set.
I really feel like a star.
Pumpkin, to me you've always been a star.
Oh, please. Just the other day you were saying when you were a boy...
...you used to water things smarter than her.
Well, you said, "What's the difference between Kelly Bundy and an elephant?
One is grey, has four legs and a tail, and the other's a moron."
- Well, you told me that joke about... - Okay, now, time-out, guys.
Let's not fight. This should be a happy moment. Okay?
I'd like my checks sent to me directly.
I'll deliver them personally.
Right this way, Miss Bundy.
Arigato, gentlemen.
This, Miss Bundy, is all yours.
Yes!
Oh, God, I don't believe this. I mean, all this for me.
I just want you to know that if I become a success, I will never change.
Great.
Are you really the guy in Home Alone?
Yes!
Now, listen, if you two lovely young ladies would like to be in the sequel...
...Home Alone With Sex Toy...
...just write down your names and numbers here.
I also wrote down my special talents.
There's five minutes to rehearsal, Miss Bundy.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Daddy? - Oh, just a second, pumpkin.
Now, Jeff, I've been thinking.
Just in case this new fall season, you know, shall we say, blows...
...I've been fooling around with some ideas for new shows.
Let's run this up the flagpole, see if it waves. Stay with me here.
There's this mystic guy...
...wandering across the West in search of his long-lost brother.
Now, instead of guns...
Get this.
- he's fitted with an assortment of fighting footwear.
It's called Kung Shoe.
- Now, Daddy? - Not quite yet, pumpkin.
I think I got him hooked.
Okay, here's another idea.
Let's toss this in the oven, see if it bakes.
Now, there's a shoe salesman in the 23rd century, called Shoe Trek.
Okay, I got another idea.
Let's toss this in the bed with Madonna and see if she sleeps with it.
Now, this has nothing to do with shoes...
...but it's a hot idea and I'd like to be personally involved.
It's called Breasts.
I just don't feel it.
What a surprise, huh?
All right, pumpkin, I want a five.
Daddy, I'm scared. I mean, what if I'm not any good?
What if my intellectual bons mots...
...and witty little intersections are only appreciated in Chicago?
I mean, back there I was a big fish in a small bottle...
...but now I'm in Los Angeles, the Big Apple.
What if I stink?
Pumpkin, I want you to have as much confidence in yourself...
...as I had in my own self.
Of course, my present lack of faith is understandable...
...since your average parking meter makes more a day than I do.
But don't you worry.
You can be a huge success because you have what every Bundy has:
Cute.
We're irresistible.
So you can succeed at anything.
- Because I'm special? - No! Because it's show business.
You don't need talent or brains.
Thank you, Daddy.
We're ready for rehearsal, Miss Bundy.
- Wish me luck. - Pumpkin, I wish you more than luck.
I wish you satisfaction and success.
Because if you are a success, I'll be so rich...
...I'll be able to hire somebody else to put their hands down my pants for me.
Rehearsal in three, two, one...
Welcome to Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff with Kelly.
I'm Kelly.
Okay, be cool. We're on TV.
Now, as you know if you were watching channel 99 in Chicago last week...
...our topic was men's butts.
Now, we all felt that we didn't explore men's butts sufficiently.
In fact, one butt was left totally uncovered.
So to make it up to him...
...the Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff with Kelly Butt of the Year is...
...Jason Priestley.
Beverly Hills, 90210!
Two palms up.
And if he is watching, we are staying at the fabulous Motel Two...
...on the corner of Ghetto and Gang.
Oh, turn left at the hobo who calls himself Moondoggie.
And now, on to an issue and stuff that really sticks in my drawer.
Bad dates.
Roberta, why don't you tell us and the entire nation...
...the story you told us after we all swore that we would never tell anyone?
Sure.
Johnny DiBedetto. He takes me to a movie...
...and you know how he likes to put his tongue in your ear?
- Yeah. - Yeah, that's right.
Well, he goes at it, and the next thing I know...
...he sucked my earring down his throat.
Not the blue ones with the chains that hang?
He can't do anything right. He once stuck his tongue in my eye.
Me too. He swallowed my contacts.
He missed my entire head and got my dog, Wilbur.
Well, girls, what we've learned here is that if you ever go out with Johnny...
...don't wear anything that'll fit down his throat. You stink, Johnny.
- He is kind of cute, though, isn't he? - Yeah.
Okay. Now I would like to introduce our band:
Joanie and the Slashettes.
Girls?
Two, three, four...
Sex!
Well, I'm jelly.
We'll be right back with our resident bad-perm victim, Jeannie.
This week, Jeannie has agreed to let us shave her head.
Might as well. It's ruined.
Cut!
That was great. God, it was fabulous.
It was now, brown cow.
Thank you, Mr. Littlepants.
And thank you for letting me do my own vision.
My own creation. The fruit of my own loins.
- You really liked it? - Oh, it was great.
You stepped up to the plate in the bottom of the ninth...
...with the bases loaded, trailing 4-1 in St. Louis on a hot afternoon...
...100 degrees, 120 on the natural turf.
And the wind-up, and here's the pitch. It's a hit!
That ball's going back, back, way back, to the back of the wall.
Grand slam! And look! Some lucky fan's got the ball right now.
And he wants your autograph! Where's your pen?
Daddy, what the hell is he talking about?
Just smile at the suit, pumpkin.
What I'm saying is, we love what you're doing. Don't change a thing.
But before you go on, we just have a few tiny little suggestions.
I can't believe they ruined then cancelled my show.
Now, pumpkin, they just used research and testing to mold the show...
...into something they felt really related to the teens.
As we shall see, research is never wrong.
And now, here's Kelly Bundy.
Hi. Welcome to my show. I'm Kelly.
Today we're gonna talk about making our parents' lives easier.
- Neat. - Keen.
Dy-no-mite.
You kids aren't just whistling Dixie.
Now let's hear a number from our band.
Two, three, four...
Milk.
Thank you, Joanie and the Hepcats.
Now, let's talk seriously for a moment.
We all wanna make our parents happy...
...because they gave us this precious gift of life.
Isn't that right, fellow virgin teens just waiting...
...for the right man to come along?
- Neato. - Right.
We'll be right back with library books, the perfect Friday-night date.
Band?
Book.
- I didn't like my hair. - Please.
You know something? There is a bright side to all of this.
- What's that, Daddy? - It's that nothing bad happened to me.
I mean, it's possible that the Bundy cloud of failure...
...passed through me onto my children, as I only dared to dream.
I mean, imagine, nothing bad happened to me.
Next week, NBS presents a new, exciting miniseries:
Joe Piscopo in Shoe Trek.
The shoe sizes are down, captain.
Mr. Sock, heels on stun.
Well, that's it. From now on, nothing but cable for me.
Send money for the children.
Loofa the wrinkles away the Ernest Borgnine way.
Hey, senior citizens, are you losing your hearing?
Are you man enough for a penile implant?